By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER
20,000 BC: Amazon.com founded by Luurg, a Neanderthal who promised one-day delivery of most bone flutes, beads, and portable USB chargers.
15,000 BC: Kindle eReader released; initial sales poor due to no written language existing.
1492: Christopher Columbus sails to the New World to deliver a tub of jelly beans, 500 paper cups, and syphilis.
1912: Amazon fails to deliver a dozen lifeboats to the RMS Titanic before its voyage. Amazon offers survivors two free months of Prime, which they gladly accept.
1964: Martin Luther King Jr.’s I Have a Dream speech kills Amazon’s upcoming I Have a Deal promotion.
2019: In response to mass protests, Amazon agrees to pay a living wage to Jeff Bezos.
2021: Amazon gets delivery time down to just five minutes after hiding common household goods strategically around your lawn.
2030: Amazon.com sues the Amazon rainforest for copyright infringement; wins. Gets whatever is left of it.
2050: Amazon ends mail-order catalogue service.
2075: Prime Day Wars break out between Alexa, Google, and Siri. No deaths are reported, but they’re no longer speaking to each other. ♦