Bank Robbers Steal Pen

〉By Nate Odenkirk, Ari Mostow and Ava Penner | STAFF AND CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

TOPEKA, K.S.— A run of the mill bank heist at First Community Bank this weekend took a dark turn when the robbers nabbed the three pens, affixed by chain to the counter, along with 86,000 dollars. The pens, which are the focus of a statewide manhunt (penhunt?), are standard at most banks and post offices across the country. You know, you’ve seen them before.

It is unknown how, or even why, the pens were so brazenly stolen. “The pens are chained to the desk so that incidents like this don’t happen,” said the bank in a press release. “We also have state-of-the-art technology, like security cameras, armored doors, and bulletproof glass to prevent the pens, and money, from being stolen.”

If we can’t find the pens, I’d like to find the cash so we can buy more pens.

“Some will look at this investigation and have some questions,” said Sheriff Jason Horf of the Topeka Police Department. “For example, ‘why focus on the pens?’ is a question people are asking.” Though this was meant at press time to be rhetorical, he did eventually answer, noting, “They wrote very smoothly, and I like how bold the ink was.” He added, “If we can’t find the pens, I’d like to find the cash so we can buy more pens.”

The Topeka community is reeling from the incident. “I sure hope they get the pens back. I loved those pens. I would always use the one on the right,” remembers bank customer Lenny Welch. “Unless, of course, someone was already using the one on the right, in which case I would use the pen in the center.” When asked if he had any experience using the pen on the left, he declined to answer.

An 86,000-dollar reward is being offered to anyone who returns the pens, “with or without” the chain. ♦

This is a developing story. Check back for more updates.