〉By Nate Odenkirk and Nathan Mostow | STAFF WRITERS
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Early this morning, Senate Republicans held a press conference scorching their Democratic colleagues for opening up an impeachment hearing against President Trump. “They’re spineless,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told Inquirist reporters while sipping on a juice box. “But to unconditionally support a man who has clearly committed electoral fraud takes a lot of guts. Permanently tarnishing your legacy for short-term political gain is the ballsiest sacrifice you can make.”
The GOP message seems to have resonated with voters. Chip Horton, head of the Kern County Republican Kickball League, said it was “so cute” to see his representative, Devin Nunes, make a complete ass of himself defending President Trump. In an “endearing” way, Horton explained, “[Representative Nunes’] willingness to blatantly disregard his constitutional duty reminds me of, like, an adorable, nervous teenager who pretends he’s into a bunch of shitty bands because his crush listens to them. It’s really sweet.”
The president also weighed in, tweeting last night:
WEAK dems (Pelosi) doing their duty, unlike the Republicans, who have the brains to be politically SMART at all costs. Impeachment will only help constitution (no one)!
When asked for comment, House Democrats responded by assuring that their decision to impeach was also completely politically calculated and in no way influenced by the desire to uphold the Constitution.
In other news, scientists still haven’t been able to figure out why every Republican politician has mysteriously shrunk by over a foot over the past two weeks. ♦