It Sometimes Feels Like My Child Is Trying to Take Over the World!

〉By concernedparenthelp!1 | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Mom’s Corner post on 8/16/19

Hey fellow Moms!

My 6-year-old Frankie has always been a bright and happy boy, always hard at work at projects in his own little world (he has a terrific imagination!), but as of late he hasn’t quite been himself.

It began a few weeks ago, when he read Machiavelli’s 1532 treatise The Prince. Now, my little bookworm is already reading at a 5th grade level, but nevertheless I was surprised he was so interested in an extended analysis of how to acquire and maintain political power. He’s usually more of a Harry Potter fan. And I’m probably being silly, but the way he’s be behaving since then has had me a little worried.

Frankie loves the computer (it must be his generation!) so we give him a few hours of screen time every week so that he can indulge. I recently came home to find that my Frankie had somehow managed to breach the US vote counting system, committing widespread election fraud in over 200 precincts. While it is his screen time, election fraud is a big “no no” in our family. We had a little chat, and Frankie promised me that the political manipulation was a one-time thing. At this point, I was ready to let the whole incident go, but Frankie’s conduct only got worse.

I tried to cut his allowance (we have a longstanding no-sovereign-nation-interference policy in our household)

He used my credit card without permission (a BIG no!) to purchase weapons-grade uranium ore from a former Israeli Army General (BIGGER no!), who might I add had a very untrustworthy face. The little rascal then skipped math class to install puppet governments in a few formerly democratic countries, even though math, in my opinion, is the most important subject. I tried to cut his allowance (we have a longstanding no-sovereign-nation-interference policy in our household), but he keeps manipulating the global exchange rates so he can fund his own personal militia, which he’s nicknamed “The Frankfurters” (SO cute!)

Maybe I’m overanalyzing things but I’m beginning to believe that Frankie is not exhibiting normal child behavior. I’ve read a number of parenting books over the past few years, and almost none of them mentioned that your child might start assassinating dissidents!

namibia-political-map
Mr. Suharo-Iyagi said Frankie was in the “Erongo” province! Such a globetrotter!

After a few parent-teacher conferences and UN emergency meetings, I was told by both Mrs. Davidson (his art teacher) and Mr. Suharo-Iyagi (the UN Inspector General’s counsel) that Frankie needs to curb his behavior. While I don’t want him to end up becoming a war criminal or even worse, getting detention, I feel like I don’t even know how to talk to him anymore! Mostly because he now lives in a bulletproof bunker in Namibia.

So, my fellow Mom’s Corner members, please lend me your help, support, and advice. To get in touch, reply to this thread or contact the Hauge (road trip!)

Sincerely,

A Concerned Mom & The United Nations Select Committee on War Crimes ♦

William O’Handley is awaiting trial at the Hague, for unfunny jokes.