By Representative Tim Ryan | Guest Writer
Tim Ryan is an eight term Representative and is currently polling at 0% in the Democratic primary.
Look, I’m not gonna win this primary. I know that 100%. No chance. Nada. Zippy. Zee-ro. Every day I get in the family car and drive around Iowa, to meet people. They share with me their concerns—many ask, “Why are you still campaigning?” “Who are you?” and also “Give me my baby back!” are common issues. I have one answer for all of them:
Prizes. I’m in this for the prizes.
If I get just 100 votes, I can get one Chinese finger trap or two flippy frogs! Wow! Think about that: me, Representative Tim Ryan, walking down Main Street with a flippy frog in each hand. Unfortunately, the Democratic National Committee is determined to sabotage my campaign for cool prizes. They just got rid of the rule at a secret meeting that I wasn’t invited to. It’s not fair! Bernie in 2016 cashed in his votes and got an RC helicopter and a plastic hand clapper! Almost all of us running now are doing it for the prizes. Without that, why even have a primary in the first place?
Listen up, DNC: all of us also-ran candidates had a secret meeting of our own at my house. We’re gonna pool all our votes so we can get an even cooler prize, like a Star Wars keychain or even a super soaker.
I didn’t lie in my campaign. I do really believe in whatever I’ve said previously (no position is coming to mind presently), but I’m doing this—all of this—for a super awesome reward for me. That said, I am asking everyone to please donate to my campaign and together we can beat the establishment, and I can have my flippy frogs.
And hey, who knows? Maybe one day it’ll be President Tim Ryan getting his very own temporary butterfly tattoo! ♦
Nate Odenkirk traded his votes for a purple kazoo.