〉By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER
With global warming in full swing, the world has turned much of its attention towards the imminently-melting ice caps in the Northern Hemisphere. While those effects are significant, it has obscured what has otherwise been a major breakthrough in the case of the elusive Loch Ness monster of Scotland. Last week, climate and mythical creature scientists concluded a second mysterious creature now lives in the very same lake as the fabled “Nessie,” due to rising temperatures. “One of our colleagues had taken a picture of the Loch Ness monster for an unrelated photo diary project, when she noticed something unusual,” remarked Dr. Leslie Withers, chief scientist at Cambridge (Auxiliary) University. “Sure enough, upon further examination, there she was – a second monster! Completely distinct in every way from the original fella.” Dr. Withers then presented the proof, which consisted of a single page depicting both the famous 1934 photograph of the Loch Ness monster alongside the contemporary picture.
When asked about the gold tint of the newer photo, he replied that it was a screen-capture from his colleagues Instagram account, and she insisted on keeping the “aura” filter to differentiate.
“Now that the lake has warmed up significantly, it has become a hotspot for sea monsters looking to escape harsher weather,” Dr. Withers explained. “Let’s be clear: global warming is happening, and it’s happening fast. Sooner or later, there will be dozens of these violent sea monsters in every lake.” Dr. Withers was careful to qualify his findings, noting that the proof of this new serpent does not confirm the existence of the original Loch Ness monster, “We’re here to bring to light the existence of a previously unknown sea monster…Nothing my team is presenting is definitive proof of “ol’ Nessie”, only that the new findings indicate a separate, second, slightly larger, mythical sea beast (and global warming).” He added that it was possible that this second sea monster killed and ate the first Loch Ness Monster earlier this year, or, more probably, that they were cousins living peacefully but at arm’s length for complicated reasons.
Some remain skeptical. “I don’t believe it for a second,” commented famed Loch Ness scholar Dr. Lindsey Mouth on his weekly YouTube “Nessie Vlog”. “The idea that there’s another massive sea monster in the very same lake? Preposterous! They clearly just found the Loch Ness monster, again, not some other crazy ‘new’ sea creature.” Dr. Mouth’s own research, done at his home with a fish tank and balls of clay, showed that the water displacement from two legendary monsters would be so great that it simply could not be possible. “I would do more researching, but my wife won’t let me use her fish tanks anymore. Global warming is a hoax to conceal the REAL Loch Ness monster, who needs cold temperatures as proven by the famous photo of the long-necked beauty, gasping for air, in chill Scottish waters. This so-called “Doctor” Withers is a joke, and so is global warming.” The Trump Administration jumped on this fresh refutation of climate change with the President’s own recent tweet…
“Uh oh! looks like there is a “NEW” Lock Ness Monster in town because of global “warming.” What happened to the first… did it get too “hot”? I don’t think so!” Said the thoughtful graduate of the Wharton School of Business and Monsters.
In the meantime, Dr. Withers’ research team is already setting to complete the next step, naming the monster. “Once we have a name, we’ll take a boat to the center of the lake calling for it to come out. But settling on the name is by far the hardest part of the entire process.” Names that have been considered so far are Snippy, Joshua, and Mr. Monster. ♦