Illinois Tollbooth Agency: No More IOUs, Free Cake

〉By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER

Dear valued customer,

Thank you for your patronage. We are writing to you to inform you that tollbooths across the state will no longer be accepting the following as forms of payment:

  • IOUs
  • Arcade tokens
  • Confederate dollars
  • Your car seat
  • Coin payment, followed by the line “keep the change, you filthy animal.” It’s very rude and it’s been done.
  • A smile
  • Scratched lottery ticket
  • Above all else, no more dollar coins! (these things are a pain in the ass, even for us).

Also, we’d like to dispel once and for all the rumor that we give you a free slice of cake on your birthday. We haven’t had that policy since 2006. Furthermore, we’re curtailing our sandwich offerings. Due to the immense traffic backup it causes, we will no longer be making paninis pressed to order. They will be premade.

While we’re at it, please stop throwing your change at the toll workers. Put it in the chute labeled “CHANGE HERE.” To remind you, we will be installing a souvenir penny press. The available designs will be the Illinois state bird, gridlock on the Dan Ryan, and a tollbooth. Collect all three, but not all at once to reduce traffic.

Finally, no more six second naps. This policy change will apply to both toll workers and drivers. It has become unsafe.

Thank you,

The Illinois Tollbooth Agency

“Give us the change, you filthy animals.”