Looking for a small to medium-sized friend

〉By Retzel Phillips Jr. | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Hi there! My name is Retzel Phillips Jr., and I am a very lonely boy. Seventh grade can be a hard time to make friends, especially when you have an embarrassing last name like Phillips. Now look, I’m not trying to aim out of my league and be friends with classmates like Football Jones (too popular) or Tall Man Rudolf (too tall and too popular). All I ask is, can you please help me find a small to medium-sized friend?

“But Retzel,” you may ask, “why can’t you find a small to medium-sized friend on your own?”

First of all, that is a very rude question. But since you must know, I walked down the street yesterday to try to find a small to medium-sized friend. I could not see any, probably because it was night. However, during the walk I did run into Football Jones. He threw a football at my face, and I think it was on purpose, because he did it seven more times, and I only asked him to throw it at me for three of them.

“And what, pray tell, is in it for the small to medium-sized friend?” Please stop asking me questions. However, I am prepared to “sweeten the deal” in order to get a friend. I have a Barnes and Noble gift card with six dollars left on it, and I will split it with you. I also have Ritz crackers. The kind without salt.

Anyway, if you happen to find a small to medium-sized friend, please ding my doorbell and let me know. I live in the red house near the dumpster.

Update: Retzel has found a small friend named Trent. Congratulations, Retzel and Trent! ♦

Retzel declined Ari Mostow’s friend request.