Emergency Quentin’s Qorner: Locked Inside Home Theater

〉By Quentin Tarantino | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

What’s up, my dudes? You’re not going to believe the crazy shit I got myself into this time. Let me start from the beginning, man:

As a hardworking director, I like to relax with a 24-hour movie marathon in my home theater every Wednesday (I refer to this ritual as “Quednesday”). It used to be a social gathering with me and some of my buddies, but they stopped coming over after I refused to screen any movies that I did not direct. It’s not an ego thing – it’s just because I have 70mm reels of my own movies, but all the other movies I own are blu-rays. Who wants to watch a freakin’ blu-ray when you have 70mm, man?

Anyway man, today, I did a special Django Unchained-themed Quednesday where I screened Django eight times in a row (I’m calling that one “Djednesday,” by the way). After watching the credits roll for the eighth time, I was about ready to hit the hay, but the door leading out of the theater was locked! That’s when I realized, man: I had accidentally swallowed the key last night while performing a magic trick at a Leo DiCaprio house party!

Boy, am I mad at myself. I’m mad at Leo, too. If he had simply put my name on the guest list, I wouldn’t have had to attempt this dangerous stunt to convince the security guards to let me in. As I write this, I can feel the key working its way through my system, so I’m sure I’ll be able to let myself out once I pass the key sometime tomorrow.

Until then, however, I face a big problem: I have nothing to watch! The projection room is separate from the screening area (like the theater in Inglorious Basterds), so I can’t get in there to start another movie. If you’re reading this, please come to my house (my alarm code is “1969” in honor of my new movie), go into my projection room, and press “restart” on the projector so I can continue watching Django while I wait to pass the key. I will never, ever attempt another “Djednesday” again.

Thanks for the help, man! When I get out of here, I’m rewarding myself with a big bucket of my special homemade “popQuorn!” It’s like normal popcorn with extra butter… and cocaine. ♦

Nathan Mostow contributed.