The Inquirist has obtained three fan letters from an anonymous source, sent to Nathan Mostow and Nate Odenkirk.
Dear Deal or No Deal,
My name is George Plop, and I live in a two-bedroom self-storage locker outside of Baltimore. Every weekday, my adult bridge club meets at the local library to, well, play bridge, and your game show is a frequent topic of our discussions. We don’t plan on talking about Deal or No Deal every week, but that’s just how it plays out. In fact, they’ve threatened to kick me out if I keep talking about it.
I would make a great contestant for your show. For weeks, I have been going to the municipal airport and picking out luggage on the carousel and opening them to see if they contain money, just like in the show. Even though security has barred me from entering, I got a lot of good practice out of it and would love to display my talent for picking suitcases on national television. The only problem is that now I will not be able to fly out to the show.
Just to reiterate, please consider me for a contestant at Deal or No Deal. I may even be a “fan favorite” one day, if only I had the chance. I don’t even need to keep the money; I just want to open suitcases.
Dear Deal or No Deal,
I think your show is easily one of the smartest ideas of all time. When my grandson told me about it I screamed so loud out of excitement that he had to leave for the day. The idea that people would just stand there, holding suitcases and waiting to be pointed at simply makes my day.
When I wake up, I eat breakfast with a suitcase in my lap, practicing for the day when I will inevitably get the chance to come on your show and hold up a briefcase.
I understand you mostly hire models for your show to hold the briefcases. While I think it’s great that you’re offering them work, I would love to “throw my hat in the ring” (an old expression) for the job. I am just a hair over four feet tall and not a day over 75 years old. I can drive myself to and from the studio where you film Deal or No Deal. I checked on my computer and it’s even on the way to that church I love that gives out free wafers every week, so I can make two stops on one route! Think about that!
When I wake up, I eat breakfast with a suitcase in my lap, practicing for the day when I will inevitably get the chance to come on your show and hold up a briefcase. My eyesight is very poor so I will need to stand next to the contestant to see if they pick me. Everyone I meet says I would be a wonderful briefcase-holder.
I hope you are having a good day,
Dear Deal or No Deal executives,
Hello! My name is Dr. Tote-Johnson, and I do not watch television whatsoever. Instead, I have an old television I keep in my living room that I leave unplugged. I stare at the blank screen for hours, and that’s enough for me.
I am writing to you to formally request you do not consider me for a role as either a contestant or suitcase holder. While I have no indication you planned on inviting me onto the show, I wanted to get out ahead so as to not waste your time. As I am a doctor, I have no spare time to be on a show, much less as a contestant or a holder of briefcases. My practice as a small town dentist and avid model train collector is simply too demanding.
If you were considering me, I would like to apologize for the rejection. I have never once held a briefcase in my life, and I am not about to do it for the first time on national television. While I do have experience with pointing at suitcases, it went so poorly that I do not want to try again.
Thank you for your time,
Dr. Tim Tote-Johnson
Small town dentist (my town is small, but also, I am very short) ♦