By Nathan Mostow & Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writers
In honor of the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission, The Inquirist sat down with Buzz Aldrin for a short interview. The following has been edited for clarity.
INQUIRIST: Thank you, Mr. Aldrin, for coming to our interview. I must say, you look a lot shorter without that spacesuit.
ALDRIN: Yes, well, I’m about 4 foot 3 inches in real life. I asked NASA to add some height to my suit so my family wouldn’t be embarrassed.
INQUIRIST: Any regrets?
ALDRIN: The moon is great, don’t get me wrong, but Neil [Armstrong] is a real dick. When we were going into orbit, I accidentally hit myself in the testes with the steering wheel, and he said, “One small tragedy for Buzz, one hilarious moment for Neil.” I was mad, because it really hurt. I think that’s where he got the idea for “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” He also told me NASA didn’t pack any strawberry jello on board, but I found out he lied about that so he could have all of it for himself.
INQUIRIST: What did you like most about the moon?
ALDRIN: Back then, when you told people that you went to the moon they’d be amazed. Now, it’s all “yes, Buzz, very cool” or “yes Buzz, we know. You don’t have to keep telling us.”
INQUIRIST: You famously punched a conspiracy theorist who kept pestering you, claiming that you never really left the Earth and the whole thing is a sham. What do you have to say to him?
ALDRIN: Thanks for bringing this up. I want to apologize to him and his family, because after lots of self-reflection, my views have definitely changed on the subject. He’s really onto something. You see, every night, I look at the moon in my telescope trying to find the American flag we planted there, and I’m just not coming up with anything. I know we went to some weird place with lots of craters, but that’s really all I can say for certain. I’m sorry.
INQUIRIST: How does going to the bathroom work in space?
ALDRIN: NASA has this whole system for extracting waste in zero gravity, but Neil rewired my waste tube to feed back into my spacesuit, and then he got everyone to call me “Poop Suit.” I hate that guy. So I just held it until I got back to Earth. It made me much better at holding it, so I can now watch all of Avatar with my grandson without having to use the bathroom which quite frankly makes the whole thing worth it. It’s a great movie, have you seen it?
INQUIRIST: No. ♦