Quentin’s Qorner: Advice to Joe Biden

〉By Quentin Tarantino | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Dear Joe,

It’s me, Hollywood director Quentin Tarantino! Since my projector broke, I have been forced to watch the news instead of my movies, so you can imagine the shock on my face when I learned that there is an election going on! Crazy shit!

I’m a big fan of yours, and I can only assume that it is a two-way street.

Ever since you told Vogue Magazine back in 1995 that you saw Reservoir Dogs, you have been my favorite politician. I’m a big fan of yours, and I can only assume that it is a two-way street. I wanna join you on the campaign trail, but I’m currently fixing my projector, so instead, I will send you the following advice: 

First of all, you should screen my movies at your campaign events. It shows good taste, and it gets the audience warmed up for your speech that you’d give after the credits roll. Nothing like three hours of irreverent dialogue and gripping action to rile up the voters, baby! I’m sending you 50,000 reels of Kill Bill Vol. 2 with Spanish subtitles. My treat!

Second of all, just try cocaine. Once.

You don’t have to do it again after; just try it once. It will change your perspective on movies (and politics), man. You have no idea what you’re capable of until you try it. If you need a sugar mountain, I’m your dude, man! My home theater’s got dispensers in all the seats. Seriously Joe, you need to lighten up and coke out with me sometime!

Third and finally, nominate Samuel L. Jackson as your running mate. This guy’s the real deal, man. I’ve been working with him for years, and he’s a real firecracker. He’ll give your campaign the kick in the ass it needs and bring some star power to the Oval Office. Listen, I get that you were VP, but you have no name recognition – you haven’t been in any of my movies, despite my multiple requests to have you in Pulp Fiction. I had to give the part to John Travolta instead, which I was NOT happy about. The movie turned out great, anyway.

Well, there you go, man, the most valuable thing I can give to anyone – my advice. Follow this and you’ll be the top dog, like me! Please win. I have already purchased a novelty Oscar for “best president,” and I would love to give it to you. I bought it by mistake – I meant to buy myself another “best director.” 

Also, if you win, I don’t know who you’re considering for Treasury Secretary, but I’d like to throw my hat in the ring. It would be great to free myself from the studio system and have trillions of dollars to finance whatever movies I want. I don’t even care about charging admission – it’ll be my treat to the country!

Please respond this time.

Quentin Tarantino, beloved movie director

Nathan Mostow and Nate Odenkirk are voting for Quentin Tarantino.