Beto O’Rourke Pledges to Stand on Every Table in America

By Holyn Thigpen | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR 

Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke made headlines last Friday when he announced a highly ambitious goal to stand on any and every American restaurant table regardless of its size, weight capacity, or general stickiness.

“You don’t understand. When you’re a kid, they think it’s cute, and they let you stand on the table,” Beto explained to a packed Whataburger restaurant right before bumping his head on the ceiling. “But around 12 or 13, they start shouting at you for it. But if you run for office, they beg you to get up on that table. Imagine me in the Oval Office, standing on the Resolute Desk, shouting ideas about hackysack and stuff from across the room!”

Thus far in the presidential race, the strategy appears to be working. “It was beautiful…he walked ‘cross them syrup spills like a goddamn ballerina,” said Tork McGendry, an attendee of O’Rourke’s recent speech atop a Waffle House counter. “My son looks up to him, literally and also as a role model.”

Regarding the content of O’Rourke’s speech, McGendry later stated, “Oh, well he started talkin’ about ‘equal rights’ and all that…but no one at the Waffle House was really gettin’ it, so he just started twirlin’ along the counter like one of them little show dogs. Had everybody in there clappin.’’’

“I don’t know if people are ready for him to go under the tables yet,” a spokesperson for O’Rourke’s table campaign commented. “The platform, for right now, is just that: a platform. He’ll only go under the table in the final days of the campaign, when we really need to gain America’s trust. Also, Beto asked me to remind you that he is Hispanic.”

The early success of Beto’s tabling has inspired other candidates to adopt their own unique approaches. Cory Booker gave his most recent speech while bouncing on a tiny trampoline. ♦