The following is the unabridged transcript of our interview with presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke.
BETO: Do you mind if I stand? I get much better hackysack leverage when I stand.
INQUIRIST: Uh, sure, if you can kick that hackysack around without getting distracted from the interview.
BETO: Pretty cool moves, huh? I’d like to see Biden pull this off.
INQUIRIST: Beto, I was really hoping to ask you about your health care plan.
You could say I’m a ‘sack hack,’ for sure.
BETO: Yeah, when I get elected, I’m going to make hackysack our official national sport. Actually, strike that from the record. I’m going to invent a new sport. I will call it “Beto-ball.” It will be very similar to hackysack, because I already spent most of my 20’s getting good at that.
INQUIRIST: You’re pretty into hackysack, huh?
BETO: You could say I’m a “sack hack,” for sure. I’ve been a big sports guy ever since college, when I had a roommate named Sports.
INQUIRIST: What?
BETO: Pretty cool, right? But what’s really crazy is that I almost didn’t go to college at all. Only reason I decided to go is ‘cause back in high school, I used to smoke cigarettes behind the bleachers with a guy named College.
INQUIRIST: Uh—
BETO: Hey, do you know I’m Hispanic? Please put that in the interview.
INQUIRIST: Everything you say goes in the interview.
BETO: Cool. Poopfart!
INQUIRIST: Hey!
BETO: Now you have to put that in the interview. I’m not stuffy like the other candidates. I like to have fun.
INQUIRIST: What policy goals do you have?
BETO: Well, closing loopholes is a big goal for me. When the loopholes in your hackysack’s stitching are too loose, they get caught in your shoelaces and mess up your freestyle.
INQUIRIST: Do you have any ideas that aren’t related to hackysack?
BETO: Yes. Sorry. I got carried away. I realize that must have been frustrating to put up with, so in all seriousness, I can lay out my political vision and policy goals for you in as much detail as you want. Essentially, I believe that the fundamental problem our political system faces—
At this point, our reporter had to end the interview, as Mr. O’Rourke kicked his hackysack into the tape recorder and broke it. He apologized profusely and offered to buy us all hackysacks, which we declined. ♦
Nathan Mostow has yet to pat a single presidential candidate on the head, but there’s still time.