Sea Captain’s Union: “Captain” America Is Not a Real Captain

〉By Richard “Scallywag” Smythe | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Ahoy Disney Studios,

We, the scurvy dogs of the Atlantic Sea Captains Union, officially announce a union-wide boycott of your newest film, Avengers: Endgame, on the grounds that one of the film’s main characters, “Captain America,” is not a licensed, union-approved Captain.

As a matter of fact, we would bet a chest full of gold doubloons that this so-called “Captain” is nothing more than a landlubber who has never commanded an ocean vessel – not even a little dinghy. He cannot tell a port from a poop deck, and we are also confident that he does not know more than three words of any mainstream sea shanty. In the dozens of films he has appeared in, not once has he remarked that the sea is a cruel mistress. What kind of Captain is that?

In the dozens of films he has appeared in, not once has he remarked that the sea is a cruel mistress.

Moreover, Captain America’s wardrobe is not in compliance with union regulations. Our handbook clearly states that all Captains must possess at least two of the following three items: a parrot, an eyepatch, or a stupid-looking hat. Instead of any of these, Captain America carries a shield made of vibranium – a dense metal that surely would not float in water, making it a highly impractical tool for a seaman.

The Sea Captains Union will not lift its boycott until every last reel of Avengers: Endgame film is sent to Davy Jones’ locker. We will not compromise; we’re dropping anchor on this one.

Sincerely,

Richard “Scallywag” Smythe, Sea Captains Union president ♦

Nathan Mostow is a chapter president for the Sea Captains Union.