Transcript: The Trump Presidential Library

An interview with our dear leader. Transcript has been edited for clarity and focus.

REPORTER: Thanks, Mr. President, for sitting down with me at this McDonald’s.

TRUMP: I should have ordered the Fish Filet.

REPORTER: It’s okay, Mr. President. I’m sure the 48-piece McNuggets will be delicious.

TRUMP: Hold on, Paul, I think they just called our order.

REPORTER: My name is David, not Paul.

TRUMP: Hold tight, Paul.

Mr. Trump leaves and comes back about 30 seconds later.

REPORTER: Did you get—

TRUMP: No, they don’t have it yet. It’ll probably be a few more minutes anyway.

REPORTER: I think the order is almost out actually—

TRUMP: No, I mean my presidency. It’ll be a few more minutes. I’m almost done.

REPORTER: Really?

TRUMP: Yeah, I’m packed and ready to go. It’s just not my kinda thing. Whatshisname—that church guy—he’ll be taking over.

REPORTER: Mr. Pence?

Mr. Trump shrugs.

 REPORTER: Well if you’re leaving so soon, what do you plan to do?

TRUMP: First things first, y’know, I’m super excited to get the T-shirt. I can’t wait to show the guys at Mar a…

REPORTER: …Lago?

TRUMP: Yes.

REPORTER: A shirt?

TRUMP: Every president gets one when they leave. It says on the front “I was president,” and has a cartoon of a robot waving on the back.

REPORTER: I guess I wasn’t aware of that…I know for a fact that you get a presidential library—

TRUMP: I knew that. I know that.

REPORTER: Care to elaborate?

TRUMP: Yeah, I have a couple ideas about it, actually. I have a rough sketch of it.

Mr. Trump pulls out a napkin and a Sharpie.

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TRUMP: Here, see? First of all, there’s gotta be a big wall around it. I don’t want anyone to know that there’s a library with my name on it. And, just for laughs, there should be a smaller wall within the big wall. Paul, how tall is the wall around Obama’s library?

REPORTER: My name is David. I don’t think Obama has a wall.

Mr. Trump laughs.

TRUMP: There’s going to be a really good looking door in the wall. And once they come in, they’ll see a big building with the words ‘READING’ in gold letters on it. Oh, and there will be a big space where you can buy lots of Trump merchandise.

REPORTER: So, a gift shop?

TRUMP: Yeah, yeah, gift shop. But book-themed. We’ll sell “Make America Great Again” hats.

REPORTER: I don’t see what that has to do with books, or reading, or—

TRUMP: Well, you have to read the hat, don’t you? I’ve thought about this. I’m very smart. Anyway, we’ll sell life-size cutouts of me in a bunch of positions: me pretending to read a book, me wearing reading glasses giving a thumbs up, me in a thinking pose.

REPORTER: Any books?

TRUMP: Like I said, there will be a cutout of me reading ‘Art of the Deal.’ And there has to be a McDonald’s in there. But one where all the employees hurry up.

REPORTER: Anything else?

TRUMP: No, that’s it. Do libraries have anything else usually?

REPORTER: Well, yeah, but… actually, never mind. It seems like a great library. Congratulations, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Thanks. Can I have your packet of barbecue sauce? They only give out one.

REPORTER: I didn’t order anything, Mr. President. I’m sure you could ask them for more.

TRUMP: Mhm, yeah. I’ll try that next time. By the way, did you know I won Michigan?

REPORTER: Yes.

TRUMP: Ok, just checking. ♦

Nate Odenkirk, Nathan Mostow, and Ari Mostow contributed.