By Quentin Tarantino | Famous Director
Whoa, man! Oscar season already? It feels like just yesterday that I was accepting the “best original score” award on Ennio Morricone’s behalf (I pushed Ennio out of his chair so I could get to the stage before him). Anyway, as an award-winning director, I thought I should throw in my two bucks on who should win “Best Director” this year. And if anyone in the Academy is reading this, please make an award for best online opinion column! I think I would win that one.
And without further ado, my pick for best director of 2019 is…drumroll please, Ennio…
QUENTIN TARANTINO!*
To make my case, I’ll go through the three reasons why I should NOT win, and why they are all bogus.
- I didn’t direct movie this year. Hey, man, just because I didn’t have a movie come out this year doesn’t mean I’m not still the best director in the world. Plus, I’ve screened my movies enough times at my New Beverly Theater this year to make any of them technically eligible. We could also say this is a preemptive award for my movie coming out this summer, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, because I already know I did a great job on that one.
- I have too many Oscars already. I know, I know. Believe me, kiddo, I thought about that too. There isn’t a lot of room left above my jumbo popcorn machine. I’d have to store some of my older Oscars at Samuel Jackson’s house. However, this one would replace the Oscar for Django I accidentally destroyed when I tried to supersize the Oscar to life-size proportions.
- I wasn’t nominated this year. Look, everyone knows “Quentin Tarantino” is synonymous with the term, “best director.” It’s kind of like how when we say, “the Queen of England,” we mean “Elizabeth Windsor,” even though we don’t use her name. So because the term “best director” is always on the Oscar list, then “Quentin Tarantino” is always on the Oscar list. That means I’m nominated every year.
Well, those are my Oscar picks. Now I won’t stay up too late on Oscar night, because my energy levels crash around 7pm. If (when) I win, WhatsApp me! ♦
*Holy cow, I forgot how fun it is to write these columns. I can say whatever I want!
Nate Odenkirk and Nathan Mostow declined to share their Oscar picks.