Federal Clown Union: “End the Shutdown, Now”

〉By Dr.  William F. Bozo | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

We are now entering the fourth week of the partial government shutdown. For many federal workers, this means no paycheck. But, for me and the thousands of hardworking clowns I represent as vice president of Clowns United, the shutdown poses an existential threat to our livelihoods, our work, and to parties everywhere.

We can’t buy horns. Our red pom pom noses keep falling off without constant adhesive. We’re already dipping into our reserve of kazoos. Due to the shutdown, we’ve had to sell most of the clown cars, so 30 clowns have been forced to squeeze into one car at a time. That may seem like an act, but after 20 clowns per car it gets unsafe and uncomfortable. But very funny.

As federal employees, us clowns are essential in many government programs and services. We go to birthday parties in underserved communities, staff clown community colleges nationwide, and give away balloons to children and small adults.

I have received many comments through our website (clown.gov) of heartbreaking personal stories from clowns that have had to cut back on makeup and had to buy regular-sized shoes. But of course, the only clown that matters here is the one in the White House. Mr. Trump, you and you alone can end this madness. Please cut a deal so we can get back to clowning around.

Nate Odenkirk is no longer a member of Clowns United.