THOUSAND OAKS, C.A.—Early this morning, the death toll from the devastating Thousand Oaks shooting went from 12 to 11 as the thoughts and prayers of America’s most powerful legislators miraculously revived one of its victims. According to reports from the Ventura County Hospital ER, doctors watched in stunned silence as the outpouring of vapid platitudes restored the victim’s heartbeat and stabilized her vital conditions.
“As an ER doctor in an urban area, I see a lot of gun violence, so it’s nice to see this country finally take some meaningful steps to prevent future tragedies,” said ER doctor Patricia Hartman. “I just never realized thoughts and prayers were all we needed. I assumed we’d have to pass some sort of legislation or something, too.”
I’m so glad doing nothing worked.
—Congressman Pat Iron, R-PA
Longtime thinkers and prayer-givers were quick to take credit for the revival. “I’ve been giving thoughts and prayers after mass shootings for thirty years,” said Oklahoma senator Bill Grimes. “I’ve gotten pretty good at it by now. It had to work eventually.”
In addition, CNN data found that President Trump prevented 12 to 18 future shootings by just generally looking really solemn during all of his public appearances over the last few days.
Later this week, environmental agencies are expected to report that the Trump administration reduced America’s greenhouse gas emissions 47% by reminding everybody how sad it would be if coal miners lost their jobs. ♦