〉By Nate Odenkirk, Nathan Mostow | STAFF WRITERS
RIO GRANDE, T.X.─Professional son-in-law Jared Kushner arrived at the U.S.-Mexico border today in an effort to beef up border security before the midterms. Wearing a bright yellow safety vest and holding a stop sign, Kushner repeatedly shouted, “No! Stop! Don’t come in!” presumably to deter the migrant caravan, which is still over 1,000 miles away.
“It’s really annoying,” said homeowner Ricardo Alonzo. “He’s been yelling since 6 a.m. this morning. He woke up my kids! On the bright side, if he’s here, it must mean he already fixed the economy and the Middle East crisis.”
Kushner plans to stay out in the desert protecting Americans until he gets hungry or has to use the bathroom, “whichever comes first.” When reached for comment on this story, President Trump announced that should Jared fail to stop the caravan, he would send in Eric and Don Jr. with whistles. ♦