Anticipating Losing Majority, GOP Hides Gavel

〉By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Expecting heavy losses in the upcoming midterm elections, Republicans have hidden the House gavel to prevent Democrats from taking power should they win the 23 seats necessary to obtain a majority.

“I mean, we’re gonna lose,” remarked House Speaker and travelling salesman Paul Ryan (R, WI). “It’s a hail mary for us. Also, we picked a really really good spot this year and there’s no way [Minority Speaker] Nancy [Pelosi]’s gonna guess it.” Ryan elaborated that the decision to hide the gavel was very difficult, because lots of members disagreed on a hiding spot for the gavel. “But I think we got ’em stumped. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some sales to make.”

“Well, the hunt is on!” said Representative Daniel Prick (D, NY). As the self-appointed chairman of the House Gavel-hunting Committee and the only member of the Facebook group with the same name, Prick is ready for the challenge. “I’ve been waiting to do this forever… when I got to Congress in 2010, they wouldn’t let me hide it because I was new, so now I can finally show everybody how good I am at finding gavels!”

I’m gonna get this gavel if it’s the last goddamn thing I do.

Representative Mike Slimps (D, NV)

While hiding the gavel doesn’t technically prevent the transfer of power, it is really annoying because then the new majority leader has to improvise a gavel-like device. In 2002, when Republicans hid the gavel on the roof of the House building, Democrats used Dick Gephardt’s (D, MO) shoe for the first three months before someone in the Republican caucus spilled the beans.

It looks like the House Democrats are going to have to really work for this one. When asked for clues, House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R, LA) responded “nuh uh,” and ran away laughing. ♦