My Hilarious Helium Act

〉By Squeaky Joe | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Hello readers! My name is Squeaky Joe, and I am a children’s birthday performer. My act: inhale helium, and let the laughter begin! Yes, you heard right. Three years ago, I learned the money-making secret to comedy. Turns out, if you breathe in helium, your voice sounds like a little kid; and if you’re a 6-foot man like me, that’s pretty freaking hilarious! Now unfortunately, the market demand for performers like me is not too high. I’ve been out of work for three years. The kids love me, but none of their parents will hire me because I’m “no good.”

So until I can book another birthday gig, I’ve decided to use this website to showcase my comedy. Though I’m very grateful for this opportunity, I’m a tad bit nervous—I have never done my helium act in prose form, and I’m not sure how funny it will be given that you won’t be able to hear my voice. As you read the rest of this, please, PLEASE try to imagine me saying it in a high-pitched voice.

Hi there! My name is Squeaky Joe! And no, I promise I’m not a chipmunk, even though I sure do sound like one! I have a question for all the kids in the audience: How old do you think I am? Do I look like an adult? Then how come I talk like this, huh? I’m SIX years old! Ain’t that silly? I sure do talk like a six-year old!

Now, could I have a volunteer from the audience? Yes, you in the red shirt. Come on up here! What’s your name? (If it rhymes with squeaky): More like SQUEEEEAKY!

Okay, now who here likes impressions? Here’s Mickey Mouse: Hi everybody, my name is Mickey Mouse! Listen to how shrill my voice is! Just like Mickey Mouse, huh guys? Now, here’s my Elmo: Hi guys, it’s me, Elmo! I have a high-pitched voice, just like Elmo! Thank you very much, boys and girls! You’ve been a great audience!

And… SCENE! Wasn’t that funny? If you didn’t find that funny, please keep in mind that a lot of the humor comes across better in person. It wasn’t my first choice to do a written blog.

If you liked it, please hire me for your kids’ birthday parties. You’ll have to give me a ride to and from the event, though. I don’t have my own car and the Manona County Transit System does not allow passengers to carry tanks of helium on the bus.  Unbelievable. ♦

Ari Mostow and Nate Odenkirk contributed.