Pence Reminds Hurricane Survivors to Attend Church

〉By Nate Odenkirk, Ari Mostow, Nathan Mostow | STAFF WRITERS

PANAMA CITY, F.L.- In the wake of the devastating Hurricane Michael that shook the southeastern United States in the last 48 hours, Vice President Michael Pence reminded survivors to attend their local parish this Sunday.  “As Karen and I tour the homes and businesses destroyed by this tragedy, I hear from so many that the hurricane has interrupted their plans of going to church,” Pence said at an emergency press conference. “Church is the thing people need right now. This act of god clearly was vengeance for worshipping false gods, taking his name in vain, or even voting for a Democrat.”

This Sunday is slated to be the most violent day yet, with rainfall as high as 10 inches in some parts of the Florida Panhandle. Despite this, however, the vice president remains adamant that the hurricane is “no excuse” to miss the Lord’s Day. “When Karen broke my dishwasher two months ago, I got to church anyway. The dishwasher still isn’t fixed and dishes are just piling up all around our sink. But we still made it in time to get front-row seats! If I can get to church, so can they.”

When asked about communities whose church had been destroyed, the vice president said he is working hard to convert FEMA emergency medical tents into “Pence’s Prayer Places.” ♦