God: Please Stop Masturbating

〉By the Heavenly Father | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

THE HEAVENS- Everybody does it. Hell, even I do it sometimes. But it’s really gross and I’d appreciate it if everyone stopped masturbating right now. I’m serious! Every one of you, and I mean all seven billion of you, does it and it’s getting to the point where we might need another flood.

Come on, people. I created a whole world of things to occupy yourselves with for the express purpose of discouraging masturbation. How about, instead of masturbating, reading a book for once? When was the last time you cracked open a book? I’m a huge fan of sci-fi myself. I even wrote the best selling sci-fi series of all time. Go outside, pet a cat, eat a taco, rob a bank–literally anything is better than jerking off. You wanna go to heaven? Quit masturbating. That’s the sole criterion I use, and there are only like 10 people in heaven; and they were all born without arms or lost them at a very early age. It’s really boring up here and my psychiatrist says I need more company.

Now, many will read this and ask: why masturbation, and why now? Aren’t there other, bigger issues to care about? In short, yes. The act of stimulating oneself in the privacy of their home or office might not seem like a big deal, but when you’re the omnipotent one and can see everything, it starts to mess with your day. I’d love to help solve global hunger, poverty, racism, and illiteracy. Just stop masturbating and we’ll talk. ♦

Love,
God.

PS–As I’m reading this, I’m realizing I might not have been as clear as I need to be. I really need you to stop masturbating.

Nate Odenkirk has a working relationship with the Almighty.