Anyone Named Brett Has Great Moral Character

〉By Senator Brett Johnson, R-Wyoming | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Over the last few days, my constituents have given me a lot of flak for my vote to confirm Justice Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. I’ve been told that he’s a rapist and was belligerent during his hearing. But there’s one fact that all these liberals have overlooked: anyone named Brett must have excellent moral fiber. I should know; I’ve been named Brett all my life, and I’m a terrific guy. Hell, I’m a senator!

When two men share a first name, they form a special bond that grants them privileged knowledge of the other. Justice Kavanaugh is part of an elite fraternity of men named Brett, and I think I speak for all the Bretts out there when I say that this guy is completely innocent. Consider this: almost none of the people protesting the nomination are named Brett, especially the women.

almost none of the people protesting the nomination are named Brett, especially the women.

Furthermore, why would I ever turn against a man with whom I identify so closely? Even if presented with incontrovertible evidence of his guilt, I would’ve found some reason to doubt it. Believing Brett’s accusers would create a terrible cognitive dissonance between my personal beliefs and my reprehensible actions. It would really suck. Why would I want to do that to myself?

Yes, I think I’ll be sticking with my “yes” vote for the time being. The stakes were just too high. If I punish Brett, it’ll be like I’m punishing myself. But there’s no reason I should be punished. I have never done anything wrong, and therefore, neither has Brett. ♦

Nathan and Ari Mostow do not like Brett Kavanaugh.